Imposter Syndrome
One year, three months, and 27 days ago, I graduated from high school alongside 143 people with whom I grew up. Coming from a small town, there was never much turnover. People occasionally came and went, but, for the most part, I had seen the same faces every day of every year of grade school. I always knew what to expect, both academically and socially.
When I finally walked across the stage at graduation, it occurred to me that, in a few short months, I was going to have to start over. I was moving states away from home and the life I had always known. I was starting school with thousands of faces I had never seen beyond the Class of 2028 Instagram page. And that was a scary realization. For as long as I could remember, the first day of school had effectively been a continuation of the previous year. Now, it would actually be the first day of something new.
As move-in day crept closer, I tried to push the thought of change out of my mind. I didn’t know what to expect, so the next best thing was to try not to expect anything at all. However, that was easier said than done for an overthinker watching the ‘Countdown to Orientation’ posts come across her feed each day.
At the end of the day, all I know is that my overthinking did nothing to help my anxiety as I first stepped onto campus, and it did even less as I stepped into my first college lecture: Introductory Biology. Love it or hate it, everyone has heard its reputation, but that didn’t make me feel any less alone. I found a seat close to the back and watched other people talk to their friends as I felt my heart beating out of my chest.
Not much happened that first day, but as syllabus week ended and the semester truly began, I felt the imposter syndrome grow. Both in Introductory Biology and General Chemistry, it was like a whirlwind of information was hitting me all at once. Everyone else seemed to understand what was happening, but I couldn’t even figure out how to keep up with my notetaking. I won’t say that high school was always a walk in the park, but I had never felt more behind or more unsure of my own abilities. It was almost as if I had missed a critical ‘How to College’ class that the rest of the campus knew about.
The first round of midterms came and went alongside quite a few late nights and the help of many online resources. As I looked at test scores I wasn’t used to seeing, it was easy for me to question whether or not I actually belonged at such an academically rigorous university. However, I will say, if anything good came out of that week, it was that it was one of the first times I realized that I was not alone in experiencing imposter syndrome. Almost everyone has moments where they don’t feel as though they are good enough to live up to the competition and pressure of higher education.
Experiencing imposter syndrome seems to be a cornerstone of academic life at the College of William and Mary, treated as a rite of passage to get your degree. The more you look around, the more you see it. Yet, the only place it is openly discussed is YikYak, a platform where anonymity creates a feeling of safety. However, being honest with your friends and peers is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it helps you find a community that is built on support and comparison, a community that I am lucky enough to have found over the last year.
As I worked through the remainder of my first semester, and eventually my freshman year, I can’t say that my mindset miraculously changed or that I became confident in my place on campus. I still find myself wondering how I ended up at the College more often than I’d care to admit. Whether in the middle of a stretch of exams or building up the motivation to begin a long day of classes, doubt finds a way to sneak forward. Those are the days that I have to try even harder to remind myself of how hard I have worked and all that I have accomplished.
My goal in writing this article is to remind not only myself, but also everyone reading, that we are not alone and that doubt is, unfortunately, a part of being human. However, it doesn’t negate our worth and the good that exists around us.
